Being a Single Mother....

Being a single mother is a great challenge. Its one that I have shed a few tears over. Not being a mother, but making sure I am all that my sons need me to be and more. It is quite hard to juggle time with the boys together, time with the boys individually and of course try to get some "Mommy" time in. Not to mention, I am back in grad school and trying to make sure I stay on top of my studies.

Today, I received word that my 6 year old son is the "Kid with Character" for the month of January. Knowing all he has been through in just the past few months, saying I'm proud of him does not cut it so today I will say I am honored to be his mother.

Keep you the good work baby! Mommy loves you!

Tribute Song to Haiti

This song is beautiful.

A line that really hits home to me is "Kiss my wife, tell my son, my work on earth is done."

Man, I can imagine Louis telling Jesus that.....



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKARlyqfa2Y

Helping Haiti

Let's please remember to keep our Haitian family in prayer.

I have a lot of supplies that I will be shipping this week. The Haitian Embassy is requesting monetary donations because they are trying to figure out how to ship all the donated supplies they have received.

Some places you can donate are:

yele.org
haitioutreach.org
WorldVision.org/Haiti
unicefusa.org

Let's lend a helping hand to those in need.

Merry Christmas to All

I wish you and your families a very Merry Christmas. I hope today that as you reflect on Christmas past, you smile through the tears and laugh through the pain. Today my wish for you all is peace in your heart and joy in your souls.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from my family to yours!

On this snowy day...

The last time it snowed like this I was pregnant with Trey. We lived an an apartment and did not own a shovel. As we watched the snowfall and commented on how beautiful it was , our heat went out. Louis plugged up the space heater, grabbed the Scrabble Game and we sat in the dining room playing games and eating. He boiled water on the stove and filled up the bath tub so that I could take a bath. Then we got in bed to snuggle and watch t.v. He had to use a dust pan and the broom to dig out the car. I remember telliing him I can't wait to tell our baby about how Daddy had to a dust pan and broom to get the car out. Never knowing that he would not be with us to share the laughter and humor in this. It's days like this that gets to me the most. I went out to clear the driveway and sidewalk but its covered again. Noone to help me, noone to do it for me while I fix dinner. Really, the widow thing sucks soooo badly!

Holiday Arts and Crafts Party

This weekend was such an awesome experience. It was nice to see the Carraque Kids happy and smiling as well as their Moms. We had a ball making ornaments and drawing pictures for Santa. It is such a nice reminder that even through our pain, we manage to smile and embrace each other with such warmth and compassion. I hope everyone has the Merriest Christmas and the Happiest New Year!

Holiday Celebration Arts and Crafts Party

Join us as we celebrate this Christmas season and celebrate us too!

This meeting will be a little different from those in the past. This one will be held at a meeting room in the library and your children are highly encouraged to be a part of this. We will be making cards and ornaments and any other crafts you would like to do, so bring your ideas and creativity.

La Plata Library
2 Garrett Avenue
La Plata, MD 20646
301-934-9001

December 12, 2009 1:00 - 5:00 pm

For those attending, we ask that you bring a food/beverage item to make this celebration nice for all! Be sure to send an email to let me know you are attending, what you will be bringing and number of guests including children. We want to ensure we have enough for all to enjoy!

Happy Thanksgiving

Hello everyone.

I hope that you and your family had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Hopefully you were able to smile and share memories of your departed loves and remembered that though they are no longer with you in the physical, they live forever in your hearts. God Bless you and yours.

Happy Anniversary

Today Louis and I would be celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary. I just keep thinking about what I was doing at this moment or that moment before we said I do. It is hard to believe that I have to celebrate the love, joy and unbreakable bond that was made on that day without my best friend. There are no words that can detail how much I miss Louis. So though I have shed a few tears and sure I will continue to do so, I will also celebrate the relationship the we shared. I am thankful to God for bringing us together and though death separated us physically, nothing can ever break the bond that we share. Happy Anniversary Louis. I will love you until love is no more....

To my Sis

Friend is not a word to be used lightly. A friend is someone that you can be you and never have to worry about judgment or criticism. This morning as I was driving to the office, I started thinking about all my friends and how each one of them impact my life in a different way, but all have a place in my heart. Then I started thinking about the word sister. A sister is someone who knows you sometimes better then you know yourself. Can put you in your place in and you not be offended or go on the defense. A sister loves you right, wrong or indifferent. I have a few sisters that I know that I could not have made it this far without their love and support. So to my Sis's and you know who you are, thank you for all the love, support and encouragement. You make a difference in my life and it is never taken for granted. I know I may not call as much as I should or text or email, but you are never ever far from my heart.

From my heart to yours,

Laneka

September 11, 2001

To all of you who lost your spouse(s) on this day, I want to express to you my deepest sympathy and condolences. I know that your lives were forever changed on this day and know that heartbreak and pain suffered in this horrendous and cowardly act to innocent lives. My heart and prayers go out to you today and are with your forever. May you be able to smile today and find some peace and comfort in knowing that though you loved one is not with you physically, they will always be with you forever in hearts and spirits.

From my widow heart to yours,

Laneka

Back to School

Hi everyone. I know its been a while since I have posted. I am finally all settled from the big birthday bash to getting ready for back to school. For all you parents out there, how did you handle the rush?

Widowed for 2 years

Today, I have reached the two year mark since Louis passed. I doesn't seem like it has been that long, more like 2 days at times. I am up and getting the boys ready for school. Trying to figure out what to do with myself today. Work, not an option, not in the frame of mind. My heart is really heavy today. I have accomplished a lot in two year but one thing that has remained a constant is missing Louis. I know and am sure I will miss him for the rest of my life. Never knew that someone could have such a profound impact on my life. What a man! What a friend! What a father! He taught me a lot about myself and showed me what TRUE love feels like. Love that has never wavered or died. As I am watching my sons grow, they show a lot of characteristics of their father and I love it. He was a great role model his short time on earth, but I know his footprints left a profound and lasting effect on all of us. Louis, rest in peace my king...

Another Family Lost

Yesterday I unfortunately had to attend the funeral of my 31 year old cousin Shadena. When my mother called, I just could not believe it. On June 15th, we buried another cousin's husband. It just seems like this time of year for some reason death is around me. I just continue to replay Louis' death all over again. When does it end????

Happy 4th!

Want to wish you all a safe, blessed and Happy 4th of July!

Almost 2 years...

I will be at the 2 year mark of Louis' death in 8 days and the meltdown has begun. June 29, 2007, Louis got up for work at 3:30 am. As usual, I woke up too, laughed and talked with him, kissed him goodbye and went back to bed you see that was my Friday was my day off. Once I got up and feed the boys, I called Louis to let him know that while cutting Lawrence's hair, I broke the clippers. He just laughed and said girl, I tell you. We said I love you and hung up. I went on with my day as normal. At 3:30 p.m. my cell phone rang and it was Louis calling according to my caller id. I answered the phone hey baby and the voice I heard was not Louis. It was his supervisor calling to tell me he passed out at work and was rushed to the hospital. Needless to say that was the last morning I woke up next to my husband, in our bed, in our home. That day was the last time, he walked down the hall to the boys bedroom to kiss them goodbye. Again, the meltdown has started...

Widows Smiling

I want to say a very heart felt thank you to all my sistas who took the time out this weekend to celebrate my 35th birthday with me. That meant so much to me that words just could not express it.

As I looked at the pictures from my celebration, one stood out to me. There are 3 widows in this picture who are smiling. Widows smiling...what a beautiful picture. Though we are hurting and grieving, we took a moment to smile. Ladies look at these bright smiles...We are beautiful!

Memorial Day

I woke up yesterday morning not with a heavy heart, but more with an aching heart. Louis and I enjoyed the all the holidays and always made plans to do something to be together and simply enjoy our family. I visited two cemetaries, the first one to visit my uncle, who my youngest son is named after and then to see Louis who of course, my oldest is named after. That kinda threw me for a loop. It was weird to see my sons names one the ground, but I know that they are named after two awesome men of honor and integrity.

I hope you all were able to enjoy your day and reflect and laugh and smile of the memories you shared with your loved ones that have departed this earth. Just know that I was thiking of you all. Much love from me to you!

Thanks...

First of all I would like to wish all you mothers a Happy Belated Mother's Day. This weekend was very emotinally trying for me. On Saturday, the 9th, 22 months went by since Louis passed. I woke up and it just hit me in my stomach like a ton of bricks, all over again. I am so thankful for all the friends and family who called me, texted me and emailed me just to check on me. That really meant a lot to me. Of course, I have to say thank you to those two precious sons of mine who of gives me the inspiration and strength I need to get through to the next moment. Lastly to you Louis, I say thank you. For giving me the ability to celebrate being a Mommy, not just on yesterday, but everyday since the birth of those two beautiful boys. You will never know the impact on my heart hearing Mommy I love you. To all of you, simply put Thank You, from my heart to yours!

Widow Wisdom

This weekend, I had the pleasure of having dinner with a person who has been widowed for 54 years. She lost her husband suddenly in 1955 and had a 5 year old son, 3 year old daughter and 9-month old daughter. She herself was only 25 years old. I know this woman very well, for she is my grandmother. When Louis first passed, I remember asking her Granny how did you do it? This is the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life, but she told me, she made it because of God's grace and mercy. She said she never wanted any man to feel like he could come into her house and discipline her kids and she knows she had a good husband and no one else could compare. At 21 months out, I can totally relate to her and her feelings. The other widow who was having dinner with us, told her, we are trying to be like you Grandma and there is no statement further from the truth. You see for we feel when it comes to matters of the heart, you know what's real and what's true. When you have experienced true, unconditional, agape love there will never be another that could ever measure up to that. Not saying that you can't love somebody else, but the love that was shared with that deceased loved one can never be duplicated. Grandma said, I am not still grieving, but there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Mutt. What a testament to real, true, undying love. So Granny, I say to you, what a woman and wife you are. You let those of us who are following in your footsteps know that we can feel how we feel and there is nothing wrong with that. I love you and applaud your courage, your love and your strength.

My Sons

When I think about the past 20 months, I look back and say I don't know I managed, but I did, but then I think about my sons too and say, I don't know how they managed, but they did too. I think a lot of times, I get so wrapped up in my own emotional pain, I become a DGI to my sons. I think, oh they are okay, because they have each other and they are laughing and smiling, but tonight, I got a reminder they too are missing Louis. I thought my oldest was asleep and all of a sudden he walks into my bedroom and starts crying saying Mommy I miss my Daddy. I have failed to realize and remember at times though he is young, his heart broke just like mine did. So I say to myself and everyone else, don't forget that the kiddies are grieving just like we are just in a different way. To make him feel better, I gave him a picture to sleep with and we looked at pictures of Daddy holding him and his brother when they were babies. It my heart good to hear their laughter, see their smiles remembering Daddy.

Sharing My Story

This weekend, I had the opportunity to share my journey of being a widow with people who are training to become hospice volunteers. I had no intention of doing this, I was in attendance only to offer support to my fellow widow sister who was invited to share her story. As I listened to Lynn tell her story and express her feelings, sorrows and lows, I just sat on the sideline, shaking my head in agreement to all that she was saying. After she finished sharing her story, I was asked by the hospice coordinator to share my story and tell about Carraque Widows. I really must say that it felt good to talk about my husband and all that we shared and explain as only I could all that I miss about my life as Mrs. Jackson and all that my two gorgeous sons are missing out on by having Louis taken" from us. At 20 months it has gotten a little easier to verbally share my story and journey, but my emotions are still the same - heartbroken and devastated. I don't see any of that as a negative thing, because this is REAL life for me. I hope that you all get to share your story and freely express your thoughts and feelings and know there is no wrong or right feeling - it's just real feeling.

Sisters in the Struggle

This weekend, I had the pleasure to hang out with some other widows. Well these woman are not just "other widows," they have become my sisters. It was nice to laugh, share, cry, shop, eat and just hang out with people who for lack of a better word, GET IT! They understood me when I talked about my frustrations and my fears. They handed me a tissue when the tears begun to flow. They shared their frustrations, fears, moments of sorrow and moments of happiness with me. So to you I want to say thank you and I love you. You guys have been such a blessing to me. I only see us growing and blossoming from here. Always remember, I have your back and I am here for you. LOVE YA!!

Valentine's Day

How did you spend your day? I spent my day with my beautiful sons, family from out of town and good girlfriends.

19 months ago

19 months ago today, Louis left this earth. When I woke up this morning, and realized it was the 9th, my heart just begin to literaly ache. It's amazng to me that there are times that I think I am doing good and BAM, my heart takes me back to my unfortunate reality. I have a LOT of anger in me today and most of my anger is directed at Louis. I am not sure what or how to make this anger go away. I am fighting so hard not to become a bitter and angry person forever. What do we have to do to get over the anger?

Who am I?

It is quite hard to put into words what the past 18 months has done to me emotionally. I feel like I am so many people wrapped up in one person. One person is happy. One person is sad. One person is depressed. One person feels optimistic. One person is pessimistic. I just don't know who I am anymore. I am all over the place. I know my name, just not sure who I am.

Bad Day

When you are having a bad day, do you miss your spouse even more and just want to feel their arms around you and a gently whispered word from them? Well today I had a bad day and just wish Louis was here to hold me and make it all better. No matter how many people say they are there for you and not saying they are not sincere, I just wish Louis was here to make it all better. No one understood me better than him.

Merry Christmas

I just wanted to say to you all, though I know this time of the year is very emotionally trying, you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that today you are able to find some peace and crack a smile. I hope that in some of your tear shed, there are some tears of joy and laughter. I hope that God will bless you with a sense of calm and comfort today, tomorrow and always. Merry Christmas Carraque Widows/ers. God bless you and your family.

Holiday Season

As I am reflecting on my past Christmases with Louis, I both laugh and cry. Some of my fondest holiday memories were shared as his girlfriend, fiance, and wife. I remember our very first Christmas and how we put our 1st Christmas tree up together and how we would sit and watch the lights and how happy we were that we were together. Fast forward to our last Christmas together. We had two beautiful sons and of course spent way too much money on them, but like our first Christmas still happy to be together. Last year, my first Christmas without Louis, I was pretty numb, so I just did what I had to do for my boys. This Christmas, I am in the "reality" of Louis' being gone and it stings and hurts so much. I miss Christmas shopping with and for him. I miss us saying okay, 1 more thing for the boys and that's it. I miss him so much, so when I am asked what I want for Christmas, I say Louis under the tree is all I need. How are you coping this Holiday Season?

Wedding Anniversary

Today, Louis and I should be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversay. Instead, I got up, dressed myself, dressed my sons, dropped them off the school and cried all the way to work. I left work after being there an hour, went to Hallmark, AC Moore and then the cemetary. I talked to Louis, read his card to him, cried and screamed and went back to work. I just don't get this. We are supposed to curled up in front of the fire place together. He is not supposed to be in a cemetary. This is just unreal. I hate being a widow! HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE!

Presidential Election

What does Obama's victory mean or represent to you?

Lonely

At 15 months out, I am experiencing the most loneliness I have ever felt. I miss Louis so much that I feel like I am going crazy. Since he passed, I have bought a house, my oldest son has started school and life has moved forward. Why do I feel like I am stuck in time, standing still!

Accomplishments

Is there anything that you have "done" or accomplished since your love one departed earth that you are proud of and know that if your loved one was here they would be equally as proud?

To all the 9/11 Widows and Widowers

I can't imagine how the past 7 years has been for any of you, but today I wanted to say to you that I walk with you and cry with and for you. My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you always, but especially today. May today you find a thought that makes you smile and laugh as you release your tears of grief. May today you find a rainbow that makes your heart smile. May today you find a moment of peace.

From me to you,

Laneka

It's been a year....

I am fastly approaching 14 months. As I sit back and think about the emotional rollercoaster I have been on, I find myself wondering how I have made it this far.
For me, I would say looking into the eyes of my precious sons remind me on a daily basis, though I am in pain and at times the pain is unbearable, I have to conitune to press forward and move on. I have learned that I can laugh again, I can cry if I need and it's okay. What have you used to get you through the past year?

Share Your Story [STICKY]

Some of you have never spoken to anyone about the loss of your loved one from strickly your own point-of-view. Not what others think you should feel, not with the added accessory roles of being a mother or daughter or new head of household, but what you really feel. Use this section to share your story. Let it all out.

Suggest a Topic [STICKY]

Is there a topic in your mind and in your heart that you would like to disucss? Please post any suggestions for topics here.

Am I married?

This question may or may not be on your mind right now, but eventually it may occur as a thought to you. Some documentation or applications you my have to fill out and update may give you the choice of single or married, but you are a widow, so what box do you check?

What just happened here?

This question is asked over and over again. What happened to my normal everyday life and where did it go? Why has this happened to me?

Get over it!

This phase is heard a lot and not quite understood. What exactly are you expecting me to get over? I am grieving that is something you just don't wake up the next day and recover from. What do you feel when you here this phrase?

Are there only 5 phases to grief?

When reading and searching for help in dealing with the death of a loved one, most sources define the 5 phases of grief as:

1. Numbness
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Depression and
5. Acceptance

Would you feel this accurately describes your pain? What other adjectives would you add to this list and why?

Anger As a Central Theme

Trying very hard to keep from getting angry is a frustrating and disappointing experience. Often, the harder you try not to be angry, the greater is your failure. You are probably very familiar with this dynamic.

Widowed with Children

For those of us who are not only grieving for ourselves, but also because our sons and daughters have been left fatherless.

Pregnant Widows

For those who are expecting and grieving.

Widowed Due to Military Conflict

For those who lost their beloved due to war or other military conflict.

Widowed Due to Suicide

For those whose loved ones ended their own lives.

Widowed Due to Murder

For those whose love one was taken due to violence of another.

Long-term & Terminal Illness

For those whose loveds had a terminal or long term illness.

A Sudden, Unexpected Death

For those of you who woke up one morning, went about your regular routine only to get a phone call that changed your life forever.

Widowed Without Children

For those who were unfortunately not able to have children with their dearly departed.